Our Choices

Our choices are infinite. We can ultimately decide who we are as human beings. While at the same time our choices are so limited. As creatures we are shaped by our experience. Yet we never seem to be able to fully grasp our own experience. Ultimately, we seek to grasp our future, while feeding our present, and relying on what we saw in the past. 

Randomness

There definitely seems to be an order in things. I wonder if that order really has a hierarchy. Randomness in life eludes everyone. Randomness of experience teaches us all. What is our hierarchy? What is randomness? I guess it depends upon the day and the given situation. How limited in our consciousness we often seem to be. 

The Waitress

I sit in the restaurant and listen in on the conversation. I hear the waitress give directions to the tourists sitting across from me. Where do they want to go? I often wonder this myself. Where do I want to go? Where will life take me? Do I have choices, or am I just part of a huge adventure. Maybe the waitress can give me directions? 

Life Begins Again

Life begins again. Something about that feel of early life in spring. Something about the green, or maybe just the warmth. God comes to the plants. He wakes them from hibernation and pulls them towards the sky. And the plants reach forward, basking in the sun and warmth of the start of another cycle. And I feel the change in our cycle. The doldrums and monotony of cold and winter seem distant, and everything seems fresh. 

The Spring "Pop"

The green of a hillside begins to shimmer with that early spring explosion of green, a tint of yellow, and a glow in the sunlight. I love this time of the year. Life comes to the forefront after what always seems like a long winter. Dormant months, where life sleeps, where nature shows us snow. I love spring and those early weeks of life when the explosion and “pop” makes life seem bearable again. 

Madness

Madness does set, at least I think that it does. I see it in the eyes of those that I know. I see their crazy look at different times, not always mind you. Humanity can be calm, just not all the time. Our axis of turning allows for periods of imbalance, fluctuating between emotions and reality caused by those emotions. Nothing ever stays the same.

The World Turns

People run in a million directions. They turn this way and that. Many people turn in so many directions that they never accomplish anything. They swirl into an abyss of self-made chaos, unable to understand their insanity. Their most basic instincts are quashed by the heavy world of so much going on. While the earth turns, the world’s creatures turn as well. Human beings spin upon their own axis. Twisting amongst each other until the madness sets. 

Craziness in Humanity

Crazy people stand everywhere. Their eyes watch me. They watch everyone, wild from craziness. They are watching me with such diligence, or maybe I’m the crazy one. Maybe, it’s a little bit of both. Who isn’t crazy? This world makes everyone a little crazy. This world twists and turns and pulls insanity out of humanity. What can we do?

Birthdays

Birthdays represent a new beginning. Actually, they represent whatever a person wants. I like to look at birthdays as a chance to redefine who I am, another year and another chance to do better. I need to streamline who I am. I need to fulfill my potential. There is a larger plan. I need to reach towards my God and fulfill my own humanity. 

The Grays of the Day

The Grays of the Day are Bittersweet. My mind rides the tides of time. The Grays of the day are bittersweet. I can't get her out of my mind. I can't get her out of my mind. Come to me, where are you now. Come to me, where are you now. Raindrops pound the noisy street, the smell of the earth and the rising heat. Where are you now. The grays of the day are bittersweet. My mind rides the tides of time. The grays of the day are bittersweet. I can't get her out of my mind. 

The Right Path

I'm just trying to find the motivation. My hill keeps becoming steeper and steeper. I keep working hard, trying to figure how I can become a better person. I don't want life crashing upon me. I don't want to be a failure. I want to wake in the morning and feel good. I want to feel crisp meaning in my day. Not this abyss that I seem to be living. Life has a path and I'm on the wrong one. I'm lost without my compass. I look into the sky, looking for inspiration. I look towards the heavens, yet I see expansive sky rolling endlessly. Why can't I just figure it out?

Fear Takes Over

Fear takes over. I don't want him to take over, but sometimes he does anyway. He's kind of a control freak. Fear doesn't allow any lead way. Fear doesn't have much flexibility. He doesn't give me many choices. I'm forced to become his servant. Whatever he wants, I better deliver. Everything has to be on his terms. Fear takes over and that's it, I'm no longer the person that I want to be. 

Life's a Roller Coaster

What's the meaning of life? A fairly common question, asked in some form by just about every human being. I look closely into my life. I don't see any meaning. I only see a roller coaster at the amusement park. My life gradually climbs, rising towards a plateau. Rising towards a crucial moment, of which I have very little control. As I fret, my life begins to slide downhill. That crucial moment passes and there's no turning back. Quickly, I gain steam. My nerves fizzle. I want to scream and yell. Faster and faster, I roll downhill, wanting the ride to be over. And then finally, I reach the bottom and the ride is over. My life's over and I want to do it again. 

God's Here Somewhere

I know what it feels like not to have anything. I know when God eludes me. I know he's here. I feel his presence. But here I am, sitting in the middle of my life without anything. My pockets are empty. My stomach growls from hunger. Poverty and hunger don't mix well, kind of like oil and water. God's here somewhere. I know that much, at least. He's just not looking upon me favorably. 

A Credit Worthy Individual

People have credit with each other, with banks, with just about everything. My credit's not so good. I wish it were better. If I could only have back so many relationships. I have burned so many bridges. I have made so many mistakes. All I can do is make amends. I can pray towards a higher power and search my soul. I have to do better. I have to reinvent myself into a credit worthy individual. 

I Don't Slow Down

I thought that I saw him. I walk quickly in his direction. I thought that he was there. I turn the corner and continue my pace. Maybe he's up ahead. He has to be here somewhere. I walk quickly down the city street. I look ahead. I think that I see him, again. Unfortunately, he's nowhere to be found. I don't slow down. I continue my pace. Faster and faster I walk. Moving in his direction. Whether or not I actually see him again remains to be seen. 

God Has Many Faces

I see him everywhere I look. Mostly, I see him in people and their faces. Expressions twist and turn, constantly moving, constantly churning. I see people react towards happiness. I see people react towards sadness. They become angry and then docile. I see the creases and curves of their expression. The way they constantly react in an infinite combination of feeling. Mixed and mangled in physical expression, caught in transition. God has many faces. 

Does He See Me?

I wonder if he sees me. I feel neglected. I walk the city streets feeling lonely, again. I walk alone. More alone than I really want to be. If he's here, I don't see him. I want to see him, I really do. But all I see is loneliness. I see misery in the street. I feel the hardship in poverty and sickness. Sure, I see much joy. Joy's easy. But the hardship stands out a little too much. The hard lines in people's faces caused by stress. I feel the panic and I just want it to go away.

Wisdom Makes All the Difference

Wisdom doesn't always come from above. Sometimes, it happens from within. Or maybe this is from above? I can never seem to figure where inspiration comes from. All I know is that I feel smarter. I feel more experienced. I feel like I can really venture into the world. I can step out onto the street knowing the plan. Wisdom gives me courage, like an extra layer of padding. I need protection from bruising when I fall down. Whether from above or within, wisdom makes all the difference in the world. 

Is That God?

I see God watching. Not the God that I'm looking for, but God just the same. He's looking down upon me, again. He's checking up on me, finally. I'd like to see him more often, who wouldn't. So there he is, staring down upon me from heaven. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. Is that heaven, or is that some pervert looking down upon me from his living room?

God is Infinite

God is infinite, so they say. "Good," I say. Good, I don't have to get up so early. I'll find him anyway. And I don't have to make an appointment. I'm sleeping in today. I'm sleeping in, simply because God is infinite. Somehow, I don't think this will pay the bills. Hopefully, God will be infinite when the collection agency calls. He can be anywhere he wants to be then, as long as he's close.

Manipulation

There's so much manipulation in the world. I find it all so tedious. Why? I don't feel like I need to manipulate. I don't feel like I need to take from the people around me, to put myself in a crafty position. I don't need to be motivated. I drive and people latch on. They wrap around and think for themselves. Manipulation takes on many forms. Mostly, it takes on insecurity. New York City grinds from constant manipulation on so many different levels. I really don't understand. Or maybe, I just can't fathom the cruel world I live. 

Give

Simplicity sings in the New York City night. I grasp the twilight with my lungs. I'm always grasping for something. Just make things simple, right? If it were only that easy, everyone would do it. So they say, but does this actually make things easier for me? I don't think so. The thing is, it feels so good to give. I can't figure out why everyone doesn't do it? If everyone were generous, this world would be a much better place. Unfortunately, humanity happens to be tricky.

A Cohesive Unit

Will I feel personal enlightenment? Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin? Will my brain ever allow such a thing? I want to breath easily. I want to hold oxygen in my lungs with comfort and grace. I want to exhale without feeling like I'm losing some sort of fight for me. I think that my skin would fit quite nicely if my brain would allow such a thing. My big brain with it's big ego, yet remaining so small in scope. I want my skin to feel comfortable. I want my brain to except a certain level of comfort. I want a cohesive unit reaching towards some sort of ultimate potential. Is this too much to ask?

Faith Seems So Hopeless

Sometimes, faith seems so hopeless. I want to believe. Often, I feel like I have to believe. But then I think through my faith and find nothing but a maze of questions. I ask many questions directed towards God, all building upon each other, adding pressure and adding weight. I ask and ask, wondering, craving some sort of response. I want to believe. I really do. God please talk with me. And then I stop and listen and hear nothing. Just the quiet agony of wanting a response, of needing a response. I listen closely, focusing on the ever elusive. I want to believe, but faith seems so hopeless.